The Frustrated Pastor

I’m about to write something that might make you think I’m a frustrated pastor. For the record, at this moment in time, right now, on a Monday (call Ripley; they won’t believe it), sitting in my office, I can honestly say that I’m not frustrated. Equally true is the fact that it’s only Monday and the day’s not over yet, so there’s time. (These are the jokes, son. Take what you get; they’re not getting any better.)

Maybe you've heard a pastor say something like, "Ministry would be great, if it weren't for people." I guarantee you, the pastor voicing that, even though it might be intended to be funny, is frustrated by something in ministry at that moment. That doesn't mean that he hates ministry or is ready to quit; it just means that something, and in all truth someone, has him frustrated.

I read an article by Thom Rainer this morning. I encourage you to read Thom’s article first. It can be read here. As I read Thom’s article, I thought, "Man, I've been frustrated by almost every one of these ten at some point in the past 20+ years." (Then I thought of 10 or 20 more he could've added to the list and was really glad he hadn't!) As I looked at Thom's list, it was evident that some of these frustrations can be mitigated; sadly, others are harder to deal with. This got me thinking (hard to believe on a Monday morning, I know. Thank you Keurig & Starbucks!) about how I've dealt with some of these over the years. I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but maybe this will help some of my pastor friends who are frustrated.

#3 - The salary issue

I believe part of good stewardship as a husband, father, provider, and pastor means being honest with the leadership team of your church about your financial needs. Most pastors are just as well trained in our profession as any other professional (sometimes more so). Many of us hold advanced degrees and have years of experience behind us. Sadly, many pastors aren’t compensated at levels equal to our secular counterparts. Pastors often function as the CEO of church, with all of the leadership expectations and headaches incumbent on the position. Yet, the average pastor in the USA makes between $28-$42K a year. That doesn't sound bad, but most churches do not offset portions of health benefits, match retirement investments, or continuing education reimbursements like many other professional companies do. So the actual take home of that pastor is closer to $18-$30K. (A note here; the only profession in American that is historically paid worse on average than pastors are school teachers.) This can be a financial burden on your pastor. “Why doesn’t he just say something?” you might wonder. A couple of reasons explain this, I think. Thom hits on one of these; unreasonable expectations by those who set the pastor’s salary. I’m going to be honest; there’s always that “one guy” who thinks it’s his Divine calling to be cantankerous. When you encounter that guy, it makes it very difficult for the pastor to express his needs; particularly if that guy holds the purse strings (or has the means to enrich the purse, if you know what I mean). The average evangelical church in America has a median size of 75 or so regular attenders. That makes it taxing on a church with limited resources to pay a pastor what his education, experience, and time are worth. I won’t speak for every pastor, but I will voice the heart of most of us. Most pastors are trying not to be a burden on their churches. We realize better than most whether or not our church has the resources to take care of us. We all look at the balance sheets. In the instances when the resources just aren’t there, most of us default to our calling over compensation. When it comes to a choice of one or the other without the option for both, we’d rather fund a vital ministry that’s reaching people with the truth about Jesus Christ than take a salary increase. For us, it’s a matter of calling. Do we have a responsibility to take care of our families? Of course we do. Do we have a responsibility to steward the resources God gives to our churches? Yep. Sure do. And therein lies the tension…and the frustration. So, how can your pastor mitigate this frustration? When it comes to that “one guy,” he can prayerfully and humbly approach him to talk it out. If that doesn’t work, there should be other leaders that can help. If it’s a matter of resources; the pastor just has to be honest with the church. Maybe the church doesn’t realize that she has a responsibility to take care of her shepherd (1 Tim. 5:17-18), and that there might be other ways to subsidize a ministry program.

#4 -The business stuff issue

I’ll be honest with you. My undergraduate and M.A. training didn’t even come close to preparing me for the business or leadership side of pastoral ministry. My seminary (M.Div.) training was not much better. I had one [1] course in pastoral leadership which dealt largely with ministry vision and mission. Great course, but it never prepared me for the business side of leading a not-for-profit corporation in the United States of America. Yep, I was flying blind. Want to know a secret that most pastors won’t tell you? The overwhelming majority of us have zero formal training in this area. When I was doing my dissertation research I surveyed just about every major evangelical college, university, and seminary; looking at their course offerings and course descriptions for undergraduate and graduate pastoral majors. What I found was that almost no one offered more than a course or two in pastoral leadership, and those courses were ill-prepared for the task every pastor faces in this area. That led me to realize that most pastors (even the ones with really BIG churches) have virtually no idea how to deal with the business side of church ministry. Most of them love dealing with Hebrew and Greek exegesis, systematic theology, counseling, hermeneutics, homiletics, and love people, but hate the business side of church life. Frankly, it scares most of them. They hate to run meetings. Balance sheets, municipality liaisons over regulations, construction issues, conflict management, vocational staff management, risk management, ministry oversight, strategic planning, vision and mission development, and the like absolutely freak most of them out. This aspect of ministry is a high source of frustration for most pastors; particularly when you combine a lack of training with personality and gifting. Most pastors don’t have the personalities that lend themselves to enjoying this facet of ministry, nor are they gifted in these areas. How can your pastor mitigate this frustration? (He can be weird like I am and get a doctoral degree in church administration and leadership.) Seriously, the pastor who recognizes a training deficiency in this area (or any area) should get some training to bolster his ignorance. In addition, wise pastors surround themselves with qualified and competent leaders whose skills and experience complement their own. Church members shouldn’t expect their pastors to be professionals in everything and pastors shouldn’t expect this of themselves. The pastor who surrounds himself with skilled and competent team players will not only ease his own frustration, but make what he is good at highly effective.

#5 - The wife & kids issue (it's not what you think)

My wife and I have experienced this in pastoral ministry; sometimes very harshly – every pastor does at some point. There is an unwritten expectation from many church attenders in evangelical circles that the pastor’s wife is the unpaid co-pastor, ladies’ ministry director, nursery director, accompanist, resident musician, ladies’ counselor, chief cook and bottle washer (you get my point, I hope). It’s the idea of a two-for-one special; we hired him and got her. Furthermore, pastor’s children (PK’s) face some of the most challenging expectations within Christianity. In some churches they’re expected to be nearly perfect and almost every church member feels obligated to tell them (or their parents) when they’re not cherubic little angels. Other people’s kid’s misbehavior can be overlooked, but not the pastor’s. This not only can be, but quite often is a high source of stress for the pastor, his wife, and his children. Honestly, no pastor or pastor’s wife agrees with or even likes these expectations. They’re unreasonable, unbiblical, and irrational. The pastor’s wife is not a biblical office, nor should it be. There are no particular biblical qualifications to be a pastor’s wife. She should be free to serve and minister according to her own gifts and the leading of the Holy Spirit in her personal life. Bringing complaints about the pastor to his wife is not only unfair to them both; it’s unbiblical. Most often men will not bring complaints to the pastor’s wife; the women do that. Women will complain (though they don’t’ call it that) about the pastor, a decision made by leadership, or some other thing that’s outside of her knowledge or control to the pastor’s wife and expect her to relay the message. In the immortal words of Captain James Hook, “Bad form, Peter!” If a complainer has a problem with the pastor or a decision the leadership makes, they ought to go to the source. Back door complaining is sinful and shouldn’t happen. You have no idea how much that squashes a pastor’s wife’s spirit and opens the door for bitterness against the complainer, the ministry, and her husband. When it comes to the pastor’s children, many pastors and wives will be gracious to your face when you complain about their children, but that doesn’t mean they like or even appreciate it. Children are children and it doesn’t matter if they’re the pastor’s kids, deacons’ kids, elders’ kids, or anyone else’s kids. The pastor and his wife face all of the same challenges, triumphs, and burdens of raising Godly children that anyone else faces, so why not give them some grace.

How can a pastor relieve this area of stress? Establish boundaries. When it comes to his wife, she needs to be freed to respond by not responding but legitimately passing the proverbial buck to the person who’s responsible; whether that’s her husband or another leadership member or team. If she’s not responsible over that area of ministry she needs to graciously and forthrightly direct the complainer to the person(s) who are and refuse to field the complaint. Pastor, support your wife in this; insist on it if need be. Pastors need to make it clear in the candidating process that churches are calling and hiring them not their wives and children. Set the expectations early and stick to it. When it comes to your children, give the adults who serve in ministries in which your children will be the freedom of authority over your children in that context. Let them know that you trust them to correct your children as they would anyone else’s children in that context and that they don’t have to come running to you with everything. Also, don’t expect more out of your own your children than you do out of others; you’re just setting them up for failure and bitterness. Teach them that, as the pastor’s kids, they are uniquely poised to minister to their peers in ways that maybe no other child can. Teach them to love Jesus and live on mission. Model for them how to handle complainers by not crucifying them in effigy in front of your kids. Show them how to treat people with love, grace, and the benefit of the doubt. Teach them that ministry is fun by celebrating the blessings of ministry in a big way. Rejoice together over how God has worked in someone’s heart and life. Pray for your church as a family. Let them know that they are valuable assets to your ministry and include them in it. This will ready them for life and maybe God will use them in ministry in ways He didn’t use you.

#6 - The study time issue

OK. This one’s easy to deal with, but still frustrating.  When I started in my last pastorate, I was the proverbial “Do It All for You Dolly.” I studied for an adult Sunday School class, Wednesday adult Bible Study, morning message, and evening message every week. On average, that’s 4 different studies each week for an average of 50 Sundays per year (that’s 200 for those who aren’t keeping up). I’ll be honest. As much as I love to study (and those that know me know I love to dive deep into the Word to communicate it cogently to people), I was unable to give any one of these sufficient time or concentration. I said this one’s easy to deal with, and to an extent it is. Any pastor (no matter how great a pulpiteer he is, or thinks he is) who thinks he’s so interesting that everyone in his church really wants to listen only to him 4 times a week is delusional. Variety is the spice of life, and it doesn’t hurt your church either. The pastor who unduly burdens himself in this area is doing himself, the Word, and the church a disservice by being the sole preacher/teacher. It’s Scripturally wrong and just plain exhausting. Recruit others to help you. If there aren’t many competent others, do some discipleship and training in this area and then off-load some of your burden. Your people will thank you. Pastors, you need to learn to set boundaries with your people. Let it be known to your people what your study day is and that all calls to either your office or cell will go to voice mail, that emails/texts/social media messaging will not be checked and answered until the end of the day (or next day); then don’t budge on it. Get a good administrative assistant who’s willing to block for you on this. Let your assistant be the only one who’s allowed to interrupt you and let him/her know that only legitimate emergencies qualify. If you don’t have an assistant; recruit one of your leadership team to field contact on that day. Lock your office door and only answer it in emergencies. If someone does “just stop by to chat” be gracious, but let them know that it’s study day and that you’re more than happy to chat later. I’ve done this and it’s amazing how much my people respect this boundary. Good church people want you to give them your best and recognize that this requires undisturbed, devoted time on your part. Insist on it.

#10 - The $$ issue

This one’s easy. Talk to your leadership about doing away with designated funds ministry-wide. It’s a bad idea anyway. Teach your people about how churches should budget (get some counsel on this if you don’t know how) and then change the way designations are handled. Be honest with contributors about church fiscal policies. This one’s dead and done at that point – easy, peasy, lemon squeezy.

#1, 2, 7, 8, 9 - All the other stuff...issue

Lehman Strauss once asked Warren Wiersbe, “Do you know what the formula is for blessing in ministry?” Wiersbe’s answer is iconic, “Preach, pray, and plug away.” I think this is an apt answer for these frustrations. They’re unavoidable. As long as the church is comprised of human beings saved from sin who still have an old flesh they battle on a daily basis and who aren’t all exactly like me, these issues will be problematic. (You do get the tongue in cheek here, right?) We are all different people with different areas of spiritual maturity and immaturity. (Spoiler alert!) Eventually, pastor, people are going to rub you the wrong way – even the people in your church. What many people in church don’t understand is that their pastors care for them more than they can express. We stay awake nights wondering if we communicated the truth accurately or if something we said was misunderstood. When you carry a burden; we carry it too. When you’re angry with us or criticize something we did or didn’t do, said or mis-said (it happens), we take it personally. I’m not saying pastors are egomaniacs that need our egos stroked on a daily basis (some maybe, but not most). My point is that for most pastors our service to the Lord and our love for His people in the churches we serve is so passionate and so all-absorbing that minor hurts can linger and take root. Imagine a stranger’s child comes up to you and calls you a horrible parent. You might not like it and you might be offended to a point, but in the end you probably won’t take it too personally. Now, imagine if your own child did the same thing. Gut punch! Those kind of comments from the ones you love stick and hurt the deepest. Why? Because your love for your own runs deep. So, pastor, how do you overcome frustration from these kinds of things? Some pastors develop unhealthy distance barriers (which are different from healthy boundaries) with their people, or at least the complainers. This only serves to hurt your ministry to them and make them complain all the more. What you can do is listen. If a critique or complaint has some validity, then listen. What about attitude? If a complainer’s attitude stinks, pray for them and when it’s best approach them about it. After all, you are brothers and sisters in Christ and the Scriptural mandates for handling inter-personal conflict apply to you both too. Then, remember Moses. Chronic complainers aren’t complaining as much about you as they are about God (cf. Ex. 16:2, 8; Num. 14:26-27; 1 Cor. 10:1-10). Maybe there’s a spiritual issue going on in their hearts (other than the complaining attitude) that you might be able to help them with if you extend a bit of grace. Then, pastor, vent! Vent to God all you want. Tell Him what His people are doing and saying to you. Remember Moses. There were times he would often intercede before God, asking Him not to wipe Israel out as a people, then he’d get upset and ask God to kill them all. You’re human and sometimes you get hurt and upset, so take it to the One who’s in charge anyway. Then remember that you’re human and extend some grace.

I liked Thom’s article. For those reading this post who aren’t pastors, pastor’s wives, or pastor’s children, you may not understand the gravity of this list as keenly as your pastors and their families do. What can you do for your pastor and his family when he’s (or they’re) frustrated in ministry? Pray for them. Then, ask God and yourself (or them) if you’re the source of their frustration and work through it with love and grace. If you know who the source of their frustration is and that person in your church is being nasty and sinful, it’s not inappropriate to confront that person in love and grace. You might be able to mediate between them and your pastor so that frustrations are healed and unity restored. Give your pastor and his family the same grace, love, and devotion that you expect from them. Ask yourself if you’d like to be held to the same standards to which you’re holding them. Then, pray for them. Our enemy would love to destroy your pastor and his family.

Pastor, I empathize with you because we’re in the same boat. I can truly say that I feel your pain. When frustrating ministry times have come, I had a good friend in ministry that reminded me of a couple of things that really helped me. The first is this; God called you to this. Christ never promised that life and ministry would be easy. Second, this is a season, not chronic. Frustrating times in pastoral ministry come and go. Pastor, if you find that ministry is chronically frustrating for you, then maybe God’s trying to tell you something. Stop and listen. Finally, you’re not their shepherd, just the sheep wearing the bell. That one stumped me, so I did some checking. Pastors are told to do the work of shepherding (Acts 20:28; 1 Pet. 5:1-4; Eph. 4:11-13). We are shepherds in the sense that we have been chosen to oversee the flock and lead it as a shepherd would, but it’s not our flock. As believers in Jesus Christ, we are part of the flock; we are sheep too. Often times, shepherds would tie bells to one particular sheep. That sheep would be trained to follow only the shepherd. The rest of the flock would follow the bell. If the sheep wearing the bell wandered off, so would the flock. If it followed truly, so would the flock. Christ is the Chief Shepherd. As pastors, in a very real sense, we’re just the sheep wearing the bells.

Pastors, we like to think in terms of “my church,” but it’s not; it’s Christ’s. Yes, ministry can be frustrating. Yes, as a breed we are insecure, frail, and (at times) arrogant about it. (ouch! Honesty hurts.) We can start thinking that the success of our ministries rises and falls on us and that if circumstances get frustrating that we’re failing and ineffective. If it’s Christ’s church, then the buck stops with Him. He’s responsible for its success or failure; you’re not. We’re responsible to be faithful servants of the King and Head of the church. What about those prickly people that make ministry frustrating? Hey, end result? They’re Christ’s problem too. So, love them like Jesus, pray for them, and then remember a couple of things. Sheep smell. You’re one of them so they’re getting a whiff of your stinky self from time to time too. And, as the sheep wearing the bell, they’re following you, so the view’s not always the best – if you get the picture.

If you’re focusing on ministry frustration, pastor, I challenge you to make a list of the greatest, most blessed, most fun aspects of ministry. Name at least 10 and let the Spirit change your perspective. Then, grab someone in your church (not a leader) who is supportive, loving, and uplifting – you know, the one gifted with being an encourager – and go for a visit. I bet Jesus uses them to uplift your heart and encourage you.