The Unsung Heroes of Pastor Appreciation Month

October is Pastor Appreciation Month. This idea of Pastor Appreciation Month began in 1992 when layman Jerry Frear Jr. and his wife saw the need to encourage and help their pastor. Jerry’s logic was simple, “If they have a day to honor groundhogs, why not our pastors?” I don’t know how much I like being compared to “Punxsutawney Phil,” but let me assure you, it is a real blessing to serve a church who takes time to come alongside of you and show you just how much they care. So, the month of October was set aside by church goers to honor, encourage, and bless we who lead Christ’s church as His under-shepherds. October is the month when church-goers most often honor their pastors for the work we do in service to the King and His people. It’s the month when the ones holding the office of pastor are told “We love you. We appreciate you. We stand with you.” by our congregations. I can’t speak for every pastor, but I sometimes feel funny during October; like I am robbing God of the glory He is due from the church. I have tried diligently to spend extra time throughout October reflecting on who God is, the nature of the Church, the work of the ministry, and God’s call on my life. My intent is to use October as a time of self-examination, so that my heart remains grateful, humble, and submissive to Christ.

This year, on the official Pastor Appreciation Day, one of the deacons at the church I serve surprised me during the service with a card and gift. As he presented it to me, he had my wife join me up front. He said that behind every good man stands an even better woman. This was by no means a new concept for me, but has caused me to reflect on the pastoral ministry from a different perspective. It reminded me of some things that we who pastor would do well to remember.

Pastors have a tough job. Statistically, the pressures and stresses of ministry life cause upwards of 1,300 American pastors to leave the ministry each month – many never to return. I’ve had friends and colleagues whose marriages, families, and personal lives came crashing down around them with such a resounding thud that they were never able to recover and had to leave the ministry in shame and disgrace. Sure, there are many factors which contribute to this kind of pastoral tragedy – too many to elucidate here. There are also many things that can be put in place in the church and in the pastor’s life and ministry to help prevent it, but that is not the thrust of my post.

My intent here is to bring attention to those earthly “unsung heroes” who make pastoral ministry possible; namely the pastor’s wife and family. Proverbs says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” (Prov. 18:22) The number one supportive player in the pastor’s life and ministry, outside of God Himself, is his wife. Pastor’s wives have one of the most difficult jobs on the planet – being the pastor’s wife. I find it interesting that Paul gave qualifications for elders, deacons, and even deacons’ wives in 1 Timothy and Titus, but not to elder’s (read pastor’s) wives. I think if we look closely at those qualifications, we just might see some hints at the pastor’s wife’s role in pastoral ministry.

1 Timothy 3 begins by listing several character qualities (above reproach, temperate, self-controlled, respectable). Smack in the middle of this list of character qualities is the phrase “faithful to his wife”. Why would Paul put that in the middle of a list of character qualities? I think Paul knew all too well how tempting the pastoral ministry is. Pastors can find ourselves in situations where our Enemy tempts us to violate our marriage vows and compromise our purity; impugning our character. This is where the pastor’s wife comes in. By realizing that she is her husband’s first line of earthly defense, and offense, against his fleshly temptability, she helps maintain his character. A wife that loves her pastor husband with such abandon that any thought of being unfaithful to her is deplorable to him is helping her pastor-husband build and maintain a Godly, faithful character; protecting both home and ministry. Determining between you that your marriage is of paramount importance only serves to deepen and broaden the ministry God has for you.

Another interesting word pops up in the middle of this character list, “hospitable”. While the word basically means “to be kind to others,” our modern culture often associates hospitality with the home. There may be pastors out there who can whip up a hearty meal, decorate a fanciful house, and host a good party completely solo – and do it better than Martha Stewart - but I’m not one of them. Sure, I can hold my own in the kitchen and enjoy preparing a good meal, but making our home cozy and welcoming to guests is not my forte. I see a wonderfully complementary pastor’s wife role here. This is where a good pastor’s wife is invaluable to his ministry. By being willing to open her home, her domestic sanctuary, to outsiders, the pastor’s wife is engaging in vibrant, life-transforming ministry right alongside of her husband as a Divinely orchestrated team. I’m in no way saying that a woman’s place is in the home and that every pastor’s wife needs to be a domestic diva with her own HGTV show. I am saying that God often wires our wives to be more hospitality oriented than we are guys. When she uses those gifts, she augments us and helps us genuinely fulfill that quality of being hospitable.

Just two verses later, after mentioning the elder/pastor’s ability and demeanor (able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money), Paul turns his attention to the pastor and his wife. No, the wife isn’t mentioned per se, but I think it can be implied. Paul says that an elder/pastor is responsible to manage his household well, see to it that his children obey him, and do it in a manner worthy of respect by others. [What? Are you kidding me Paul? That’s easy for a single guy to say, but seriously…come on!] OK. You just heard my flesh cry out. Sorry. But seriously, how is any man supposed to take the oversight, leadership, and care of a congregation of people AND balance his household affairs and raise obedient children in a way that doesn’t cause him to drool in the fetal position in the corner, alone and cold, at the end of the day without a trusted partner at his side? It’s not possible. (Even the Lone Ranger had Tonto to help him.) Enter the pastor’s wife. As his partner and companion, the queen of his house, the pastor’s wife is his go-to general in this department. While the pastor is often out dealing with other people’s problems and struggles, his wife is his main weapon and support in his family. Don’t get me wrong. The pastor is never absolved from his familial responsibilities, but a good pastor’s wife works together in harmony with her husband so that their family is an honorable example to the flock. She is invaluable in the family. Without a good wife to be his home’s stabilizing force, no pastor could be all he needs to be for the church.

Toward the end of his list of qualifications, Paul says that the elder/pastor must have a good reputation with outsiders. His community presence is to be above reproach with those who don’t know Christ. Proverbs says that a wife’s influence upon her husband directly contributes to his reputation in the community (Prov. 31:23). She can have such an influence upon him and be such a trustworthy partner to him that his influence among others in the community is enhanced. A good pastor’s wife understands that her relationship with her husband advances the gospel-influence he can have in their community at large. By being actively involved in and supportive of her husband, the pastor’s wife elevates his standing with “outsiders” (aka, the unsaved) in their community. She stands at his side as he interacts with those who need to know the Savior – even when she may not be physically present. She is integral to what he does in the communication and advancement of the gospel.

No, there is no qualification list for pastor’s wives like there is for deacon’s wives. Why? I think it’s because the number one quality and ministry of the pastor’s wife is just that, to be his wife. I’ll speak for myself here. Loving me, being my wife, and being the awesome mother she is to our children is my wife’s primary ministry, and it’s a full-time job. (Yep. I’m a handful.) Sometimes, all of this is compounded by outside pressures on the pastor’s wife. My wife and I have known the days when she had to work a job so that we could make ends meet. It wasn’t easy on her, our family, or the ministry, but she did it so that I could do what God called me to do full-time. Sometimes, that kind of scenario is necessary for pastors and their wives. When it is, we need to understand that these pastors’ wives are stretched beyond measure – working outside the home, being a full-time pastor’s wife (with all its expectations and responsibilities), being a full-time mom, and often serving in church ministry too. They need our support and appreciation maybe more than their pastor husbands do.

The best thing any pastor can ask for in ministry is a good, Godly wife. Such a wife that his character is above reproach, his home is a worthy example for others to follow, and his gospel influence is heightened. So, tell me, who has the harder job? The pastor’s wife is one of the biggest unsung heroes of Pastor Appreciation Month. Without a good wife, no pastor could do half of what is expected of him. Our wives often sacrifice more than they should for the benefit and blessing of others through their husband’s ministry. There are riches untold in heaven awaiting faithful pastor’s wives; of this I am positive.

The other day, my wife was sick and had to stay home from church services with one of my children who was also sick. I took my other two children to church, early as I normally do. I tried to do all I had to do on a Sunday without my wife and flying solo with my two youngest children. Of course, my youngest two took advantage of Dad’s distraction and the fact that back-up was nowhere in sight. They smelled blood in the water and circled like sharks. I did my best to focus all morning long. Admittedly, by the time I was supposed to preach, I was mentally frazzled. A woman at church came up to me after the message, giggling, and said, “You are just totally lost without [your wife], aren’t you?” At first I thought, “Wow! I must have been really off this morning.” Now, I know and love this dear saint, and appreciate what she was saying. You see, she wasn’t criticizing me, she was complimenting my wife. She had seen, without any fanfare or horn-blowing, just how much my wife does behind the scenes so that I can do what God has called me to do. She’d seen that when my wife isn’t at my side, it’s like a piece of me is missing; I’m not the best I can be without her there. The fabulous thing about my wife is that she doesn’t even have to be actively doing or saying anything for that to happen. Just knowing that I don’t have to worry about certain things that she so willingly and sacrificially attends to week in and week out allows me a great freedom to concentrate on what God has for me to do as my church’s pastor and leader.

There is another unsung hero of Pastor Appreciation Month that Scripture doesn’t mention, but needs to be addressed. That would be his children. In some scenarios, it is expected that pastors’ children are obedient models of humble submission to their fathers, never get out of hand, always quiet, and are only ever sweet little angels everywhere they go. (If you could see me, I’m laughing…hard!) The truth is, when pastors are gone all day, out until way past bedtime at meetings, hospitals, or helping marriages and families through difficult times, their children go to sleep without Daddy’s kisses or bedtime stories. There are times when Daddy must miss the game or recital because a church member has an emergency that just can’t wait. There are times when ministry is so busy and hectic that Daddy comes home tired and just doesn’t want to play catch, listen to yet another an unbelievably dull joke, have a tea party, or see just how accessorized Barbie can be in her dream house. Though he tries, he only has so much energy and the best he’s got has just been used up ministering to others. There’s a lot that can be said here about balancing life and ministry, and a wise pastor must learn to do it well. Yet, the truth of it is there are times when pastor’s children bear the brunt of Daddy not being 100% available. Let’s not forget that they do sacrifice, sometimes unwillingly, so that Daddy can do the work of the pastor. Our children are some of our most ardent supporters and can be unimaginably phenomenal blessings and assets in our ministry. Pastors, let us not forget – ever – how much our children sacrifice so we can do what we do and be who God has called us to be. Pray for them. Teach them to love Jesus more than they love you. Engage and involve them in your ministry. This will help disciple them to see ministry as a privilege, not a drudgery and teach them just how valuable they are to you and to the church you serve.

Pastor friends, while we are getting our backs patted and hearing all the accolades of “Great job, Pastor!” “Love the message this morning, Pastor!” “Pastor, you’re my hero!” “I pray my daughters find husbands like you, Pastor!” and “I just left you in my will, Pastor!” (OK, some of these are made up), let us never forget just how invaluable our wives and families are to our ministry. Our wives and children are the unsung heroes who stand with us, serving and supporting us in ways no one else can. Without their support, we’d crash and burn in ministry.

I have been blessed this month with many in my church who realize just how important the roles are that my wife and children play in my ministry and expressed gratitude not just for me, but for my family. It has been greatly encouraging. I know people joke sometimes when they say things like, “Pastor, we like you, but we really love her” or “Pastor, the best thing about you is your wonderful children.” Rest assured, I am blessed when I hear such sentiments. It reminds me of how important my wife and children are to the work of the Lord and drives me to be grateful for them.

To my friends who are pastors’ wives, and to the children of my pastor friends, let me say thank you for all you are and do for your pastor-husbands / pastor-dads. We couldn’t do it without you. To my beloved wife and children, thank you for all you do and sacrifice for the cause of Christ. I love you.